"I learned early on to shut down, hold back the anger and tears that result in resentment and grudge holding," which I assume you mean from your caregivers. The caregivers would resent you, they'd hold a grudge if you showed your anger or your tears. So you learned, your system learned, to shut down. "I'm now observing that when I fall into the shutdown, there's stubbornness. I'll hold onto the shutdown for as long as I can, determined to win by not coming out of this state. And any advice for this stubborn, scared part of me to move up and out would be appreciated."